When You Didn’t Marry Your Friend… But You Still Want to Feel Like Lovers
Jun 11, 2025So, if you didn't marry your friend this is for you.
Some married out of pressure.
Some out of fear.
Some married because it was “time,” or because everyone said, “You look good together.”
But deep down, you knew—you weren’t friends.
Now, you share a roof, maybe kids, maybe joint accounts… but you don’t share your heart.
The conversations are shallow.
The laughter feels forced.
The intimacy is routine or nonexistent.
Other people dominate your conversation
Sometimes the home is in a quiet time mode.
You smile in public, post pictures on anniversaries, but inside—you're exhausted from pretending.
You long to be seen. To be known. To be safe.
And the truth? You’re not alone.
So many couples are existing instead of connecting.
They have been told that the Bible asked them to love who they married but they can't seem to translate talk to action
But what if I told you it’s not too late?
That even if you didn’t start as friends, you can become friends—deeply, wildly, intimately?
Here are 5 healing, strategic steps to help you start building friendship in your marriage—even now: I have walked some of my clients through these steps and it has assisted them;
- Ditch the Script. Choose Raw, Real Conversations.
Start asking questions that matter:
“What’s been heavy on your heart lately?”
“What’s something I’ve never understood about you?”
Don’t just talk logistics or faith alone—talk dreams, fears, regrets, joys.
Emotional safety is the soil where friendship grows.
Set up a meeting this week and let your partner meet the unfiltered, unedited version of you. That’s who they were meant to love. It may be tough to do because i understand vulnerability can be tough for some of us but if you don't take the first step the journey won't start.
- Bring Back Playfulness
Friendship thrives in laughter.
Do something silly together—play a game, dance in the kitchen, have a movie night with snacks you loved as teens.
When you laugh, walls fall.
Joy heals what duty can’t.
Don’t take yourselves so seriously that you forget to enjoy the gift of each other.
One thing I have successfully done is to send couples to a salsa club. Sometimes the faith based ones find that awkward but the magical effect has been transforming because there is no way you won't bond in your bid to master the dance.
- Create Rituals, Not Just Routines
Routines help you survive.
Rituals help you connect.
Light a candle before dinner and ask one “deep” question.
Have a Sunday morning cuddle hour.
Take a walk every Wednesday.
Small, sacred rituals can create consistent intimacy. Talk a power walk or even join Leslie Samson in her daily walk aerobics.
Connection isn’t built in grand moments—it’s crafted in quiet consistency.
- Choose Curiosity Over Criticism
Your partner may have flaws. But so do you. Imperfect people have lost a right to judge others. This is where the real issue is for some of us because we can't deal with folks who sin differently from us. Sometimes what your spouse is dealing with is a trauma response but you are so fixated on what you are seeing that you have lost sight of the why which is where you figure out the root cause.
Don’t attack their weaknesses—study them.
Become a student of their soul again.
Ask what shaped them, what scares them, what lights them up.
Curiosity breathes life into places criticism has suffocated.
You can’t build a friendship with someone you’re always trying to fix.
- Speak to the Soul, Not Just the Surface
Don’t just say, “You look good.”
Say, “I saw how tired you were—and I love how you keep showing up.”
Say, “I miss laughing with you.”
Say, “I want us to be more than roommates.”
Your vulnerability can unlock theirs.
Words don’t just express love—they awaken it.
Even if you didn’t marry your friend, you can become each other’s best friend.
Even if you’ve grown distant, you can grow close again.
But it will take honesty, softness, and a commitment to try again—not for the kids, not for the church, but for you.
You deserve a love that feels like safety.
That feels like home.
And if both of you are willing—even just a little—there’s hope.
There’s laughter waiting to be rediscovered.
There’s peace waiting to be felt.
There’s love waiting to be reawakened.
Don’t just endure the marriage.
Rebuild the friendship—and watch love find its way back home. And should your journey require healing then you can reach out to us and we will take you on that journey. There are professionals that can help and going through a marital audit may be the first place to start.
You can also join us in Doha in November to rekindle your love.
